Long distance relationships are hard and no one is going to tell you any different. It seems like so long ago now, the FaceTime calls, the struggle with time difference, the international trips back and forth, the waiting, the longing and the frustration that comes with dating someone from another country.
You may or may not have heard the story about how Ben and I originally met, but if you haven’t we met in California. We were both travelling, him from England, me from Canada, when we met on a patio at USA Hotels Hollywood. When we parted ways the first time I honestly never thought I would see him again. Until we kept talking and talking and talking and well, the rest is history.
If there’s one thing that we know how to do now after all this time is deal with long distance. I’m not going to sit here and feed you bullsh**t that it’s easy. It’s not. It was the hardest thing we had to do but every minute of it was worth it and if I had to do it all over again I would.
So for those of you who unfortunately, or fortunately (depending on how you look at it) are going through the same thing right now, no matter how far apart you are, I thought I could lend you the things we did that made us successful and keep you together.
Have the honest conversation up front …
This might sound obvious but you’d be surprised how many people don’t do this. Knowing that a future for you and your partner is in the cards is the most important thing. For Ben and I, it was a conversation we had several times even if it didn’t always get anywhere or we knew the answer. All we knew was that we were both flexible and willing to make it work if it came down to it. In our case, it made more sense for Ben to move to Canada than the opposite and so that’s what we did. You don’t have to decide right away who is going to pick up their life and move countries, provinces, or cities but you do have to decide if things are going to work out you are both open to the possibilities.
You need to make time for each other …
This is of course much harder when time difference is involved. Ben was five hours ahead of me being in England so we had a few adjustments to make. At the time I was conveniently working from home so it was much easier for me to talk to him at otherwise odd hours. Whatever your time difference or schedules, set something that works for you. Maybe it’s easier for you to talk to each other on your way to work, or perhaps you have to be the one to stay up just a little bit longer at night. Figure out what that schedule is and stick to it.
Schedule date nights …
Just because you are miles and miles apart from each other does not mean you can’t schedule date nights. It sounds so silly, and trust me the first few times you’re doing this it will seem silly to be eating a meal in front of a screen but I found these were really good bonding times for Ben and I. About every two weeks we would make a plan to stay at home and have a date. This would usually be Saturdays so it was easier to make it work. We would cook a meal together, drink a glass of wine or two and enjoy the meal over good conversation, just like any real couple would and it was fantastic.
Always know when you’ll see each other again …
It doesn’t matter if it’s two weeks away or 6 months, always have a date in mind. This way you both have something to look forward to. Long distance is hard, obviously, so you should always have an idea when you are going to see each other again. This way you will have something to look forward to together. It’s fun being able to get excited together and have something to plan. If you’re lucky you will even be from different countries neither of you have visited before so you can get even more excited about visiting a new destination for the first time. Ben and I always knew when the next time was that we were going to see each other. Thankfully, in the 10 months we did long distance, we saw each other twice (about every 5 months), it doesn’t seem like enough but we were willing to take anything!
Never underestimate the element of surprise …
You don’t have to do grand gestures to make your boyfriend or girlfriend happy. Even the simplest thing like sending a hand written letter, or ordering flowers can be more than enough to make that persons day, if not week. With the beauty of the internet these days all you need to do is Google your partners destination + flower delivery and voila, order away.
Get intimate …
Not to get all awkward here but I will very briefly mention the importance of getting intimate. I’ll leave this up for interpretation and let you decide what that means for you but with photos, texts, video chatting, the opportunities are endless. Use your imagination and while it may be awkward at first it is the part of the relationship where you have the underhand so why not make the best of a sh*tty situation.
Communication is the most important thing …
This goes without saying for any relationship really, you need communication to make things work. From communication comes trust. If you don’t have either of those, I’m sorry to tell you but your long distance love affair will not last. There will be nights that your partner is out drinking and having a grand old time. Perhaps you’re at home doing nothing, or you’re out doing the same thing. It doesn’t matter because as long as you know your partner is being truthful, honest and loyal to you than you have nothing to worry about.
Never let an argument go ignored …
You’re in a relationship, you are going to fight, long distance will not change that. I’m definitely guilty at wanting to wait for arguments and tempers to die down before continuing the conversation. Admittedly this is not a good idea for long distance lovers. If you’re having an arguments, doubts, or fears you need to talk about it upfront and right away. Letting something waiver or letting time slowly go by before talking again I find only increases the tension. Even it it means hours on FaceTime with awkward long pauses with nothing to say, force yourselves to sit down and hash it out. You will thank yourselves later for it.
The most important thing to take away from a long distance relationship is to remember what it’s like to live through it. It’s been over two years since Ben and I have had to rely on FaceTime or text as our only means of communication but we never forget it. Having gone through the struggles of being away from each other and the constant longing to want to see each other, we know how to appreciate what we have. I think it’s one of the greatest gifts that we know what it’s like to not have each other and so we value every day that we get to wake up next to each other or fall asleep together.
Have you experienced a long distance relationship? How did you make it work?
Great points on how to make long distance work! I did long distance for about a year and half and that was long enough for me. It takes a lot of work for both parties.
Thanks! I totally agree, I’m glad we did it because it made us a stronger couple but I would NOT want to do it again!